Lupe's Top 20 of 2009

20. Funny People (comedy)
The title is apt enough, given that this is the first time in history that Ray Romano has been funny.  And for a guy dying of cancer and wallowing in self pity, Adam Sandler approaches funny for once, too.

19. Where the Wild Things Are (children's fantasy)
Traumatize your child with the fantasy of an abusive ogre for a best friend!  Not only can he punch apart house sized bird's nests, but he's got a real passive aggressive thing going, too.

18. Ponyo (animated, fantasy)
The end times are nigh when the seas begin to rise, boats run on candle power, and toddlers get betrothed to goldfish.  I guess they have some amazing discoveries ahead of them.  The more you know.

17. An Education (drama)
I could give a high school girl some "life lessons."  Oh wait, that's actually covered here.  If her parents took any more of an interest, they'd be even worse at raising their kid.

16. Coraline (animated, fantasy)
Adolescent girls have come a long way since My Little Pony.  When did sewing buttons into kids' eyes become adorable?  Puppies are cuter with bat wings?

15. The Stoning of Soraya M (foreign, drama)
Persia has come a long way in the 2500 years since "The Anointed One" Cyrus the Great.  They gave up that meddlesome rule of law concept and decided to solve all their problems with rocks instead.

14. The Road (sci-fi)
In 1995, I watched a double feature of Leaving Las Vegas and Dead Man Walking.  I really wanted to slit my own wrists after that.  This movie is just about as bleak but way more badass.

13. Star Trek (sci-fi)
Tween James Kirk lives Catcher in the Rye and gets in bar fights because there's no higher calling in Gene Roddenberry's secular humanist utopia.  Spock's the weird one for coming from a spiritual culture, but that gets taken care of pretty handily.

12. Zombieland (comedy, horror)
In a world overrun with zombies, there is a distinct lack of Twinkies, and not even Hollywood celebrities live forever.  But at least there are still euphemisms for poo.

11. The Informant (drama)
This is just the movie for people interested in the lysine industry.  For actual existing people, however, you can enjoy watching Matt Damon play a colossal liar.

10. The Secret In Their Eyes (foreign, mystery)
Shh, the secret is that there is no monster and the town elders are really into playing dress up, and the trees are somehow killing everyone... wait, actually this has a twist ending that arises naturally from the characters and situations as they've been established.  No one told Argentina how it's done, apparently.

9. Me and Orson Welles (drama)
Who knows what you're supposed to do if your married and famously megalomaniacal employer wants to get your girlfriend in the sack?  The Shadow knows.

8. Up (animated)
You know you're a curmudgeon when you'd rather chuck the boy scout out of the floating house and hang with the old geezer.  And this is coming from a former boy scout.

7. The Hurt Locker (war)
Art reflects life in this relatively action packed sequel to Jarhead/Gulf War One.  It's like one of those Tom Clancy video games with all the sniping and disarming traps, except for the long stretches of boredom and lack of an escort mission.

6. The Men Who Stare at Goats (comedy)
I dig all the psych warfare and stuff, but what this movie really needs is more references to the Jedi order.

5. Up in the Air (drama)
With that calm demeanor and reassuring smile, if you have to be fired, get fired by George Clooney.  Just don't let him make an Oscar speech.

4. Moon (sci-fi)
Is mining for helium-3 such a high overhead business that you can't hire new people when the previous guy pukes in his space suit?  Maybe cloning brings down the workers comp claims.

3. The Hangover (comedy)
Remember doing MadLibs as a kid?  No one plugs in boring adjectives and nouns when you could go with black Doug, naked Asian lucky charm, and junk taser.  The tiger seems tame by comparison.

2. Inglourious Basterds (war)
Tarantino spells about as well as Brad Pitt speaks Italian.  I'm not so sure the guy who paved the way for Travolta to make Battlefield Earth has the moral high ground to claim Nazis are a-holes.

1. Fantastic Mr. Fox (animated)
Wes Anderson makes an awfully genteel yet sardonic children's film.  See if your eight year old enjoys watching chickens get mauled and tails shot off as much as I do.