(animated)This is the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a chimp playing with a kitty.
19. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
(fantasy adventure)Not content with the eternal damnation he earned in the first movie, Harry Potter returns to Hogwarts where he resumes his studies in witchcraft, communes with the dead, and speaks to serpents in their own foul tongue. Repent and be saved, boy! Accept Jayazus!
18. The Four Feathers
(war epic)Dear British Empire, thank you for bequeathing something like the Mahdi to world history. What's a little anti-Western religious fervor among Muslims? I'm sure no lasting harm will come of it.
17. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
(action adventure)Okay, so it may not be the original trilogy, but come on, those romance scenes were pure magic. Wait, that's backwards. They were the worst thing in the movie. Now we just need a Tuscan babies animated series. That should end well.
16. Minority Report
(sci-fi, action)Do you really want to live in a future where department store billboards single you out by name and ask if you need fresh underwear with no stains? No wonder the murder rate's through the roof. Me, I think I'll opt for suicide before we get there.
15. The Quiet American
(drama)Well if that's how those slopes want to play it, then this means war! I really think we can win this Vietnam thing, too.
14. The Bourne Identity
(action)Most people who lose their memory wake up with a mouthful of dried vomit and a pounding hangover. This is way cooler.
13. Panic Room
(suspense)The original Transformers
cartoon series had a character named Raoul who was a little too "friendly" with the preening, effiminate Autobot corvette, Tracks. The point is, trust no one named Raoul. Something Jared Leto should have learned before he found himself in this movie.12. Gangs of New York
(drama)I'm Irish (if you go back far enough and ignore all the Scottish, English, German, Basque, Assyrian, Udmurt, and Maori). This film makes me want to embrace my heritage and punch somebody in the face.
11. The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
(drama)My own adolescence was so boring compared to this. Nary a nun, cougar, ghost, or incest in sight.
10. Insomnia
(suspense)With Al Pacino playing an insomniac detective, this movie becomes a taut psychological suspense thriller. I guess if he'd been a narcoleptic detective, they'd have had to play it for laughs.
9. Spider-Man
(action)Super-villains shouldn't shop at the 99 cent store for their costumes. At least Green Goblin totally pulls off that groin wound, even if the bridge scene is contrived.
8. City of God
(foreign, drama)Who'd be crazy enough to photograph a bunch of Brazilian gangbangers with poor impulse control, just because no one else can get close enough? Why couldn't they be reclusive and dangerous cheerleaders instead?
7. Ararat
(drama)I have this theory that if the Turks had never invaded Anatolia, World War 1 would have lasted only weeks or months and the Russian Revolution and World War 2 would never have happened. But the western Europeans would also never have sought an alternate route to the east Indies, so the United States might not exist. I call it the Turkish Conundrum. Still, no Armenian Genocide, so that's a win.
6. 28 Days Later
(horror)This is how you know what a talent Danny Boyle is. It took him a mere two words to revolutionize the horror genre: fast zombies. And with that, brains are back on the menu.
5. Catch Me If You Can
(drama)Leonardo DiCaprio makes crime look easy and fun! Ditto for the Louisiana state bar exam. More watchable than it sounds.
4. Bubba Ho-Tep
(horror)Elvis Presley and a black JFK fight an ancient Egyptian mummy in their small town Texas nursing home. That's not just any old premise for a movie, that's, like, one of the all time greatest premises ever! Like my own idea for a war movie about Donald Duck in the Pacific theater. It would be a musical.
3. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
(dark comedy)See if you can spot the early Michael Cera! Despite all the murder and unraveling psyches, this is pretty funny. Sometimes because of all the murder and unraveling psyches. Though baby Chuck Barris in a dress is really creepy.
2. Spirited Away
(animated, adventure)Not the one with the horses, the other one. With the monsters and the heavily veiled critique of a certain quasi-legal job opportunity for girls in modern Japanese culture. Ha! Now you can't NOT see it.
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(fantasy epic)Okay, so the battle of Rorke's Drift is pretty cool, but you call that a defense of Osgiliath? They should have set up archers with flame tipped arrows to shoot the orcs in the boats before they ever reached shore. It'd be like the beaches of Normandy! In Middle-Earth!
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