20. The Master (drama)
Too bad the movie is told from Johnny Cash's point of view, he's the least interesting and most predictable character here. And he has no clue how to be a good cultist, not like this: "I'm covered in the dust of the Leader! He favors me!" "I am even dustier, dustier than thou!"
19. Beasts of the Southern Wild (drama)
You can tell it's not a documentary, despite the title, because the aurochs was a bovine, not a pig. Also because little girls aren't hush puppies (unless maybe you're Ted Bundy).
18. Cosmopolis (drama)
This is what the Foo Fighters' White Limo video would be like if it were written and directed by sterile robot brains only programmed to write one character.
17. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (adventure)
I think what this movie really needed was more songs. I'm inferring that one of Radagast's bunnies was named Bugs, from what we see of their altercations with the Yosemite Orcs. Definitely a lot of epic stuff left on the cutting room floor here. It should have been a quadrilogy.
16. Searching For Sugar Man (documentary)
You missed the zeitgeist, Rodriguez. You'd have been huge as a hair metal band (for about five minutes). Luckily for you, the sixties was still going on in South Africa. Marilyn Manson's going to scare the hell out of them, one of these days.
15. Hitchcock (drama)
Hannibal Lector's eaten one too many livers with fava beans and a nice chianti. This softer, yet still excitable psycho lets us know that behind every weird auteur there's a woman taking credit for his genius.
14. Compliance (drama)
The true story of a textbook Lewinsky, a dubious authority figure taking advantage of a malleable young girl. This would never have happened at a McDonalds run by Ron Paul. That dude missed his calling.
13. Silver Linings Playbook (drama)
I saw this movie back when it was called Garden State. Hey, I'm emotionally damaged, too (as should be completely obvious from my film reviews). Where's my manic pixie dreamgirl?
12. Les Miserables (musical/drama)
Chill, Anne Hathaway, jeez. Some ladies aspire to prostitute themselves. They're called gold diggers. At least you found a nice sugar daddy for your little girl, if I'm interpreting this movie correctly.
11. Cabin in the Woods (horror)
So if you ever suspected there was a reason for the endless, samey iterations of boring, repetitive slasher films, whether the killer is a Jason, a Freddy, an S&M horror advertised as being from the mind of Clive Barker, or even Aquaman, it's because Quetzalcoatl is a movie producer, and Quetzalcoatl has notes.
10. Killer Joe (crime)
Killer Joe’s proposal is so special, I’m sure he won’t beat his future bride just because she seems stoned to a Carrie Fisher-like degree, then make her eat a bloody chicken leg like he did his future stepmother-in-law. Ain’t it a shame to beat your wife on a Sunday?
9. Looper (action)
A one party state in which men vastly outnumber women… China, it's the place to be in the future! Anyway, these filmmakers must have thought time travel was lame, because they threw in some pointless telekinesis to their movie as well.
8. Skyfall (action)
Between the Jensen Aston Martin or whatever, and going back to M’s original office from the 60’s complete with secretary Miss Moneypenny, we’ve circled back in time. Though maybe this was a new Austin Powers installment where Mike Myers got a little dark, even for a guy who plays a character named Dr. Evil. Seriously, though, who upholsters a door?
7. Wreck-It Ralph (animated/family)
Some day, movie watchers will look back on a time when kids went to arcades to play video games as totally anachronistic. And that day came like twenty years ago.
6. The Avengers (action)
This is the most fun superheroes had all year. Loki's a great villain who didn't have to steal his master plan from Magneto (looking at you, Lizard), plus you can understand words coming out of his mouth (Bane should get a job voicing Mushmouth for Bill Cosby).
5. Seven Psychopaths (drama/crime)
You never know, this might have been another Kurosawa remake like The Magnificent Seven, or Seven Faces of Dr. Lao, or Seven Minutes in Heaven, or Se7en. Some of those strayed from the source material, but I think I have that right. Instead, it has the psycho bunny from Monty Python. “Go on, Bors, chop his head off.” Don’t do it, Bors. This will not end well.
4. Lincoln (historical drama)
Strat hates Lincoln. He's all like, "States rights, bitches! I'ma John Wilkes Booth this mofo!" Me, I got nothin but love for Lincoln. The best is putting on a stovepipe hat when you tower over everyone else already. Hat power!
3. Moonrise Kingdom (drama)
There are those of you who will understand if I just say, it's Wes Anderson. I have a soft spot for this movie because it’s exactly how I remember the Boy Scouts. I also went on campouts, learned to tie knots, purchased snake bite kits from the trading post, was struck by lightning, and got married when I was twelve years old.
2. Argo (drama/suspense)
The Persians have graduated from Zack Snyder's slow/fast motion to Spielbergian time stretching, and from Xerxes' army of perverts to Khomenei's much scarier and more believable army of perverts.
1. Zero Dark Thirty (drama)
After the long awaited Point Break 2, Kathryn Bigelow might eventually make a biopic about Gadhafi's final days, so hold your breath for that bit where they sodomize him with a bayonet. For now, settle for being sodomized by slow moving bureaucracy as Little "Red Hair, not Red Tape" Riding Hood mobilizes Team America to take out OG bin Laden.
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